worst worst possible scenario

I'm a worrier. I just… I can't stop it. And it absolutely blows. It conditions everything you do, how you think, how you act… And you don't really get much out of it. Previously I always thought to see it as a trade-off type of thingy. Yes, I worry, which takes a lot of time and energy from me but you know, that means that I'm pretty much ready for anything. Bullshit. You can't really be ready for most of those “worse-case scenarios” that you end spending most of your time thinking about. If those things happen that way you will just have to suck it up anyway and accept that there's no solution possible. And so if that's what it is then… why worry so much? The answer is… You shouldn't. And yeah, I'm saying this as someone who does, constantly, overworry about even the slightlest thing going wrong. Which also makes me a very anxious person for, again, not much gain whatsoever. If anything, also again, I lose a lot and I win… Pretty much nothing. So, at this point, the conclusion should be obvious. I need to change this. But how? Worrying feels so ingrained into what I am, into who I am, that it just feels like an impossible task. It already felt like a mountain that was climbed the moment I reached this conclusion however… I got to the top just to realize this was just the first part of the hike. And also, the second part is a lot taller and a lot steeper. Just my luck. But I still think it's good news, I still have a goal that I'm climbing towards and, if I may be so optimistic in an uncharacteristic - for now - moment for me… I think living life, gathering experiences, makes you better at this naturally. Just going through situations in which maybe you worried so much and then either the bad thing happened and you couldn't do anything or the bad thing didn't happen and among the happy feelings you are also left with a lingering tension and a bit of guilt that always feels like a punch to my stomach. Did I really go through all of those thoughts, long nights, angry moments, sad moments, for… well, nothing? It really makes you think less of yourself for investing your energy in such a bad way. But like I said at the start. The worst part is when the worst scenario actually happens. Because you are faced with the painful realization of… Yep, you saw it coming; you ruined the process and you still can't do anything about it. And… Maybe if you weren't so worried, you would have made it happen in a nicer way. Here's to worrying less.

Dec 07